Forget Ironic Mustaches – The New Thing: Ironic Goatees

Sometimes they just look good

So, how many years ago was it that hipsters/indie kids started growing mustaches as some kind of ironic fashion statement (I’m going to use ironic as a way of saying insincere I think, though I don’t know how ironic fits)?.  I think we’re far past the point where an insincere mustache can come across as cool or cutting edge, the only way to now wear a mustache is to wear it sincerely and be proud at how grown-up and sexy lipgear can make you look.   So, since it’s come to the point where mustaches should not be worn jokingly, it’s time to get another signifier to let those in the know know that you’re in the know.

How about Goatees?  Can a Goatee be worn ironically? Have we moved to that point yet?  Like, can you grow a goatee and someone will say/think “oh, funny goatee, guy” or will they always just make you look like you’re in a bar band, or like a 35 year old techie?

I think for mustaches there were distinguishing looks that would tip people off to what you may have been going for.  Like the handlebar (kid toucher etc), a rare look when sincere, so obviously it would be a joke most of the time, but I don’t know if goatees have the same type of versatility.  I mean, there’s the nu metal goatee (taken from some guy’s blog after a search for “long goatee”):

There’s the alternate braided nu-metal goatee:There’s the 40 year old dad:

There’s the Eddie Vedder soul patch:

The separated:

The Nostache:

The Artsy/Euro/Depp Separated:

The Diddy:

What do you get from all of these goatees?  I get SERIOUS.  They’re all too serious.  There’s no playfulness to them. Does anyone else get this?  When they’re long and outrageous they look creepy, and when they’re closely cropped (ala Diddy) they are all business.  You’re not going to get a good time buddy like this guy:

Sometimes a goatee can look good. Not your usual frat dude/bar band goatee, those always look bad, but the proper mustache/soul patch combo can look quite fetching (depending on who you are obviously).

I’ve gotten off topic.  I’m trying to say that goatees cannot be worn ironically, because you look like dude from Finger 11 or something, it just doesn’t work.  Even though your Dad had a goatee, or your BBQ having uncle, or some guy from a goofy band in the 90s, doesn’t mean it can be taken to that level of insincere facial accessory the way a mustache can.  A goatee is some in between facial hair, too much effort to be a goof- not enough effort to be a real achievement, and for the most part there’s not a whole lot of style going on in your typical goatee.  So, let the mustaches be sincere and the goatees scarce.

~ by havingsomethoughts on December 1, 2008.